A Letter to the Person who Stole My Laptop

When you stole my laptop that night, you took the last bit of creature comfort I had left. I used that thing to work, create and play, with that gone, I lost everything I considered crucial to my way of life, including my music player, my desktop PC, my bike and my home. I was angrier than I've ever been in my life on that 4 mile walk home, but once the fire that anger filled me with settled down, I lost the will to go on. As I lay there on the grassy mound, I looked deep within myself and found what I needed to pick myself up, dust myself off and try again, no matter how many tries it takes. Yeah, things may suck now, but if I work at rising above it, they won't suck for long.

Now, my experiences and current perceptions tell me you're a certain kind of person with a certain reason for what you did, but I've learned enough about life to realize that's a stupid way to live, and severely limits how well one can grow. Never let it control me before, and damn sure won't let it happen now, considering how far I've come in my life. No race, gender, or people with other distinctions are ever a monolith, and to think a whole group alike for any reason is to be blind to their humanity. Even if they're thieves like you, they don't deserve that, and if we ever met, I would do everything possible to keep myself from punching you in the face and stomping a mud hole in your crotch, because I'd like to think I'm better than that(though not by much)

In reality, where I lived kinda sucked, as did my music player, PC and laptop, and I was planning to upgrade from them regardless, but not in the way circumstances dictated. Nothing's ever ideal, though, so it was only a matter of before I learned how to live on the fly, as everyone seems to these days. Even with a job and all that jazz, I doubt thing'll ever get that rosy, as I learned from doing a barebones budget for a full time, minimum wage job. Shoot, I might even have to work 2 jobs or take on an immense amount of debt from school, a car, a home, or whatever, but if it means a better future, I'll gladly take that burden on with a smile.

You see, there's something big I have to prove, and for years, I thought is was to friends, family and everyone who ever made my life suck, like you. I wanted them to hold me accountable and prod me into action when I slacked off, but really, the one who needed to do that wasn't them...it was me. Everything I've done in reaction to events has either built me up or tore me down, and as I could've worked toward a better life then, I still can and will now, with everything I have. I owe it to myself to go after my wants and needs and to never relent when times get tough, because damnit, I've gotten through too much to let it end here. I know the kindness, wisdom and insight I have to offer the world, and I'll be damned if I let this or you stop me from doing it. I will survive and thrive, no matter what it takes. Count on it.

To do it, though, I gotta own up to this: the thing I need to prove is that I can take on the rejection and heartache that comes with gaining employ and becoming an adult, which hasn't been the case for years. For years, I've wanted to live on my own, but I didn't want to to risk the humiliation that failing at it brings. When I had work, I didn't have the stones to pursue that goal, because I knew the jobs weren't permanent, and that the money wouldn't last long enough for another job search. I didn't wanna lose everything because of a stupid decision, and now I'm losing everything because of several stupid decisions by me and other people. Funny how life works sometimes.

Often times, it likes to give the test before it imparts the lesson, and for 3 years life's given me the exact same exam: what will it take for you to hit back? Before, I had a safety net, of sorts, thinking I had at least something to turn to to get me through, no matter how bad things got; while it did just that, it also lulled me into a state of acceptable discomfort, and kept me there since I graduated high school. Piece by piece, though, that safety net was dismantled, and now is first time in my life I've hit the floor below, the scars to follow me until my dying day, telling others my story, and remind me how important it is to keep getting up and keep fighting.

I first learned that when the woman who taught me how to live had her life cut short by an auto accident. After she passed, I had to rebuild everything I gained from being with her, including my sense of adventure, and over 7 years of struggle and soul searching, I became someone she and I could be proud of, even with the missteps I've made during that journey. Now that I'm going through the practical version of what her passing brought, I'm feeling the same lack of direction that washed over me, but this time, there's a fire in me that I first saw in her, one that grows in strength each day and urges me into action. A friend of hers-who's now a friend of mine, told me that if I ever felt lost, I should ask, "What would she do?" What she would do is slap me in the face and tell me to do what you theft drives me to do now and long after I achieve my aims: fight 'til my last breath for what I desire. I don't know how I'm gonna do it, yet, but I will find a way and go further than ever before, because with them, myself and whatever's out there as my witness, this will be the beginning of something amazing.

Learning to Start from the Bottom

They say that you can't control what happens, only how you react to it. Well, as of this writing, I'll soon be bound to lose the house the family's lived in for 3 years because my sister and the person who owns it couldn't come to any sort of agreement, with my next destination seeming to be the garage of one of my mom's friends. At first, I absolutely detested the idea, but really, once I took inventory of the time spent here and the seeming endless friction between both sides in this situation, such a conclusion almost seemed inevitable, no matter how financially well off we could've grown to be, so for me, the real concern was that I was being launched head first into the real world without anything to fall back on or any localized social network to work with and try to get things going. That much I take the blame on, since my the network I do have now has largely relied on technology and long distance communication to maintain and strengthen, thus creating minimal to no urgency to befriend the people immediately around me

This likely helped contribute to feeling the most lost and uncertain of what tomorrow may bring I've ever felt, more so if the scenario plays out, and me and my mom are left to figure out how to make ends meet.

Really, though, I know I've been slow on seeking out the employ that would provide me a chance to achieve the kind of independent life I've yearned for for years, and a large of part of that comes from the fear of falling and having to hit absolute rock bottom, the kind that makes people doubt whether or not it's even worth trying to get up and try again. Emotionally, I know I can do it, as I've done it time and again, but practically, I've always thought I had yet to gain the acumen needed to live well within my means and understand how to make my resources work for me, a belief that's likely fed the comfort coma cycle that convinces many that even the effort is not worth committing such time and sweat to. My friends have been there for me for years trying to convince me otherwise, and they played a large part in me wanting to improve myself and better how I approach the practical side of life, a desire that still burns strong within me.

It's because of them I believe that even through I don't yet have any of the resources I think I need to create the kind of life I desire, I know I'll make it happen, and will take the needed steps to do it-even if it does mean having to start at absolute zero.

Ever since high school I've wanted a life other than the one I had, and I silently resented all my peers who seemed to fall into what they needed to live how they wanted to-more so if they were on the higher end of the social ladder and didn't have to worry about things like rolling an ankle or how to pay a hospital bill for a gurney ride and x-rays I never needed, but had to take, because the ambulance someone called after I was socked in the schnoz wouldn't take no for an answer. It's that desire that lead to me becoming more bold about how I approach life and less tolerant of wishy washy behavior, which I know has made my life much richer than I would've had otherwise. I don't know if this means I'll have to pay more visits to the local food banks or if I'll have to take odd jobs to try and bring some stability to my world, but whatever it takes to get there, I will do to get there, because for the first time in my life, I can look myself in the mirror and say, "I'm not afraid to hit the bottom"

Passion and Profits

“Do what you love, and the money will follow,” a saying often repeated in mantra-like repetition by those who want to make what they love doing and what keeps the essentials taken care of coincide. The reality of that saying, however, is that the ability of having what you love to do pay the bills is connected to how easily others can do it, whether they're willing to fund it, and the amount of talent it takes to do it at a high level. This reality is something all of us face at least once in our lives, and is often what drives many to take the “safe” jobs, while their true ambitions are left on the back burner. For some, their loves become their off work hobbies, while others leave it to gather dust, both of them left to wonder what could be, if they ever summon the needed guts to risk it all. It's a cruel abstract, and to help clarify it, I'd like to tell the stories of the girl who loves Basketball, the boy who wants to help others heal their hearts, and the girl who wanted to run her own arcade, who, for simplicity sake, I'll refer to as Danni, Shannon and Alex.

Accepting Reliable Unreliability

I'd like to think I'm a pretty patient guy who does everything possible to understand why people do what they do, and because of that, I've been able to gain insights and knowledge I never would've found if I kept flipped my lid at the drop of a hat; when it comes to working with people on projects and otherwise relying on them for something I need, however, that patience is immediately and constantly put through the ringer. If I'm waiting for a ride somewhere and they say they'll be there at 4PM, I expect them to be there at 4PM, not 4:01, not 4:10, not 4:30, and most certainly not 5PM; the later they are on their promise, the more my anger bubbles under the surface, more so when they altogether fail to deliver on their promise.

I can't really say I can get down with people who can't or won't deliver, no matter who they are.

In all honesty, though, I'm not exactly Mr. All Clutch All The Time, and if it isn't immediately pressing, it doesn't become that much of an issue, sometimes even slipping my mind completely and leading me to move on with my day. I imagine that those expecting me to deliver get as pissed off as I do when it doesn't happen, so whenever I'm counted on to, I do whatever my resources allow to ensure that it either happens or goes above and beyond what they asked, as I ask of those I work with. Admittedly, I have rather high standards for the people I work with and befriend, and as they've lead me to come upon quality people and craft quality products, so have they lead me to massive disappointment when they're not met.

In fact, many I've approached about the subject suggest that I'll lead a happier and less stressful life if I just lower the bar.

I can certainly see the validity behind that notion, but I have trouble with considering lowering the standards that've gotten me so much in my life and have brought so much richness to how I do things everyday. They do say that if ain't broke, don't fix it, but I know that I can do so much more and be so much more than what I am today if I'm willing to tinker with my routine and let uncertainty and potential failure become a greater part of my everyday life, as even the safest existence can be ended by one slip or one misfortune. Does that mean I must accept not hearing from people I work with for days at a time, though? Does that mean I must accept people being gravely late for an appointment or not showing up at all? Does that mean I must accept that things could be far from what I expect them to be, whether that's for worse or for better?

I guess that means I must accept that people aren't robots, but people, with their own lives, foibles and ways of doing things

I suspect that, even if my current perception deems it asinine, the more I accept this fact, the more I'll find success and friendship, no matter how long I must live on the edge of a knife to make it happen. I know I wouldn't want to work with someone to treated me like shit every time I didn't meet some vaguely defined mark, and going easier on the throttle will probably make me a better overall workmate, which in turn will produce a better end product. If nothing else, I'll probably have a few more years with my hair and youthful features the more I let the little stuff go and let people do as they do, only cracking the whip when there's something crucial on the line. That doesn't mean I won't get pissed off when aren't as timely in their responses or don't live up to their end of the bargain-I've got more than enough rage for everybody who does that, but it does mean that I'll be able to pick up the slack whenever they do drop the ball and get things done.

Just because they fail to do something doesn't mean the whole damn thing should fail because of it, and come hell or high water, I'll make sure it doesn't

On the Endless Cycle of Creation

Creativity is one of the most subjective things in the world, always dynamic and always changing according to the context it's created in, used in and evaluated by; because of this, one man's wrong may be another's right, and vice versa. Those who think there's only one value system on which to fit something into are those who've yet to understand the diversity and depth out in the world beyond their circle of comfort, nor do they know of the two aspects of it which create this diversity and allow it to thrive to this day: the science and the art.

Even there's only one way to skin a cat, there are endless ways for people to determine how, when and why that cat is skinned.

Take, for example, the oft misunderstood style of Cubism. People who look upon it often hold it to the ability of art to render the human form and nature through the the understanding of shape, color and light and scoff at its apparent failure to do so. They see a work portraying the suffering incurred at Guernica and think “What the hell's with these faces? Where's the color? What the hell is this even saying? My 5 year old can do better than this crap” They only see the science of art creation, they do not see the art of questioning why there has to color, why it has to perfectly depict the forms or why it has to be easy to digest.

In asking those questions, their thoughts go towards “Why does it have to be that way? This way seems much more interesting and fun to do”

So goes the continual cycle of rebellion, innovation and establishment, Pollack making things that would make Van Gogh wretch and Slayer making music that Elvis would snap in half while he proclaims it to be trash. Really, when people say “Down with the establishment!” they mean “Up with ours!”, a cycle that will go on after the grandchildren of our grandchildren draw their final breath in the presence of their grandchildren. Because of all that, people will continue to enjoy tastier foods, more thought provoking art and better machinery for generations to come.

No one may know where the envelope is being pushed to, but we progress knowing that it is being pushed.

Whether one learns about the principles set by noted creatives of times long past or creates their own, once they have a science and system to work with, they can then work with it to see where it can be strengthened, where it can be enhanced, where it can be nurtured to the next level. Once they get there? Then they do it all over again and push their craft to places unknown, with the results and their future on about the same footing. It may seem like needless busywork, but it's because of that process that people go from the glider to the propeller plane, and from the propeller plane to the jumbo jet, and from the jumbo jet to Apollo 13, and with each sky high achievement, the results tickle down to the everyday person and make their lives that much easier and nifty.

It wasn't that long ago that having just a library in your pocket was considered on the same level as Cold Fusion.

To those who cannot see the world as you do, your new fangled ideas are a bunch of nonsense, because to them, all those things just don't add up, but how times has that been said of the telephone, the internet, the very idea that gravity exists? If it succeeds, then it'll shift the way things are done and the world will be that richer for the contribution; it if fails, then it was a way to flex your creative muscle, encourage you to go beyond your limits and become that better, so then really, aside from your shame and reputation, what do you have to lose?

Taking Control

There are times when you'll work towards a goal that takes many steps, lots of attention and much patience in order to do well, and sometimes, when you think you have everything in hand, external circumstances come along and throw it all out of alignment, even when you only take your eyes off the prize for a second. It's a highly frustrating experience, more so when it undoes all the blood, sweat and tears you've poured into it, but that's just how life can be. It's not a matter of if it happens, but when, and what you do then defines you'll become as time goes on.

In my case, I tend to throw a mini shit fit, then pick myself up and push ahead with what's left

As for why, I wasn't a generally expressive kid, and that allowed a lot of the emotions people tend to express in tiny puffs to build into a big head of steam ready to emerge at the worst possible opportunity.  Only now, after all the strides I've made to become something greater than who I am now, have I been able to put that energy in a positive direction(although I'm still quite susceptible to moments of inopportune rage). The more I come upon these less than ideal situations, the more I realize both how much I don't control and how much I do, the latter growing more and more apparent as my abilities become more crystallized.

Now that I now what I do control, I've grown a lot more pissed at people trying to take that away, especially when I know damn well what I'm doing.

“Why fight so hard, though?” you may be wondering. “You know that the best way to get things done is to ride the flow and let things resolve themselves, so what's the point?” I admit to thinking like this more than once in my life, and more than once have I thrown my hands up in frustration and felt like nothing I did worked, thinking that maybe the best choice would be to just give up and let the winds take me wherever they may. I mean, why should anyone work so hard to achieve a goal that may not even be all it's cracked up to be and take away more than it give to you?

Because, if all the things I've gained over the years have taught me anything, it's that the effort pays off, and will always pay off if you don't let it get away. 

It's easy to just take the easy way out of things and lead a fairly normal life, things such as not allowing yourself to get to close to other people after a heartbreak in order to avoid further heartbreak, doing just enough to keep whatever job you have and hate so you can keep the essentials in order and eating that apple a day to keep the doctor away, even if it's the only healthy thing you eat all day. Comfort is much easier to attain if you let yourself be content with what, who and where you are now, but I certainly can't remember the last time someone broke through and became something more from a place of comfort.

It's only natural that growth and comfort cannot co-exist, especially within the human spirit.

Had people been comfortable where they were centuries ago, we would never have the net, we would never have modern medicine, we would never have the ability to easily travel the world, the country or even 20 miles outside of where we were born. Growth can be painful and awkward, sometime agonizingly so, but the human heart, mind and body are some of the resilient things this world has to offer, able to patch itself up and grow even stronger more knowledgeable and more awake after each encounter, even as children still developing their conception of the world. Only when we embrace those inevitabilities can we understand how to best use them to help us grow and shape the course our lives take, knowing that, even if it's precisely what we envisioned, it will always come to be more than we ever imagined possible.

The Importance of an Impression

While it's always a good thing to look beyond how someone looks, the truth is that how they look and act the first time we see them is often the only impression we ever get about them, which is the impression we carry with us when we meet someone new that somewhat resembles them; I am no different and readily admit to this kind of shallowness in my daily life. I'm certainly no prime catch myself, in terms of my overall physical fitness and the way I groom and dress myself, and for years have never even bothered to give those things more than a passing thought, because for all that time I thought that unless I was trying to create a positive first and start a relationship, that stuff didn't really matter.

Hell, sometimes I can go a solid week or more without taking a shower because I just plain forget.

Recently, though, I've began to pay more and more attention to the way I talk, look, smell and so on, wondering what kind of impression I was leaving with people who meet me for the first time. In my youth, I know that impression was somewhere between intelligent, awkward, understanding and creepy, based on how weak my grasp was who I wanted to be; these days, it's leaning more towards arrogant, loud, fun loving and quite frankly angry about the way people treat other like concepts to be analyzed like a painting hung up in a gallery for everyone to scrutinize. An upgrade, to be sure, but I'm still not sure if who I am is who people would wanna work with.

It's not like people are chomping at the bit for the loud mouthed braggart to join their team, after all.

Trying to improve yourself solely on what others want is, of course, naturally the fast ticket to stretching yourself thin and leaving yourself as hollow as a empty soda bottle, but on the same token, if you're not willing to be a team player in some capacity, it's gonna be much harder to get in where you fit in and create the sense of stability people need to take risks and grow beyond who they are now. For those entering the real world, this is one of the defining conflicts they go through as they establish themselves and come across those who think they need to fit a certain mold in order to take the next step up the ladder.

Makes me wonder what I need to revise, concerning how I sell myself to folks with my mode of behavior, dress and so on.

It's given that I need to enunciate more and slow the pace on how I talk(which is currently a mile minute) and that my overall level of dress has gotta be higher than rolling out of bed, slapping on shorts and shirts and heading right out everyday, yet part of me feels there's another aspect I need to work on, which my ego might be keeping just out of view. The more I find it tough to keep up a conversation flowing, the more I think about whether I'm letting the folks I chat with tell their side or just looking for a place to insert my 2 cents. I know well how valuable a listening ear is, and I don't want to alienate people just because there's something I want to say; I seek to relate to them as much as my skills will allow and help them get through whatever they're trying to manage.

The last kind of person folks wanna get to know is a self centered bum who makes everything they talk about revolve around them and their needs.

With time and effort, I'm sure this improvement will come natural and seep into the stuff I do everyday, but something tells me that every time I initiate a chat with someone I just met, somewhere in the back of my mind I'll be thinking “Man I hope I didn't stick my damn foot in my mouth.” Guess that's part of the dance we do in order to leave folks with a relatively positive image of who we are, so if they ever see us again, they think “Hey, it's that one person. It's been a while, so I should have a chat with them”

Can You Go Home Again?

When I first heard the phrase “You can't go home again,” I was quite confused about what that meant, as I did not hear any of the context that phrase came from-and didn't until many years later; after doing some research, though, I discovered that it started to hit home in more ways than I ever considered possible. The more I became a proper adult, the more I grew distant from much of what I held dear as a youth, and that became crystal clear when I went for a trip to the place I once called home and browsed some of the lit I enjoyed back then. I can't quite put my finger on why, but as I worked through them, I found the themes of insecurity and worry about the perceptions held by others just didn't grab me like they used to, and in fact were quite off putting, perhaps because I could no longer connect to them and could only see the quality of the storytelling.

It really made me wonder how much farther I've got to go to become the man I know I can be.

I know I'll have a proper job, my own place and all that jazz and I know I can handle the responsibilities that comes with, but once that comes to be, then what? One of the things I've working on is becoming more social and able to hold short form, light chats with people I've met for the the first time-skills I, admittedly, am not that great at yet-, but from everything I've seen from my friends traveling the path towards adulthood, it seems like they have even less energy and time to be social and chatty. The time thing will come with proper scheduling skills and discipline, but the energy thing is something I'm quite worried about, especially since being as lazy as I have with the energy I have(among other bad habits) has caused me to gain 40+ pounds after I stopped playing Dance Dance Revolution seriously.

What can I do to manage my energy between my 9-to-5, my life outside work and my personal time?

The last thing I want to happen is to develop a wake up-breakfast-work-lunch-work-home-dinner-sleep  only mentality because I don't have the fuel to do anything else afterward. Yes, building a box is key to living regular and building towards something more fulfilling, but when you cannot or will not let yourself think outside that box after it's built, then stagnation is bound to take place and produce a sense of resentment at the very box you built, but need to maintain in order to maintain an acceptable level of discomfort. I've seen it happen time and again, and in most cases the person was never able to break it and do something with all they've built for themselves, leaving behind the feeling of what could've been, had they found the courage to go beyond their own bounds.

As much as I despise not knowing if I'll make it from one moment to the next, I despise not growing even more.

This is why I always keep mementos of times long past in my life, so I can remember where I've been and what I took away from them. Surely I'll have to shed a few when it comes time to build the flow of my own place-don't wanna have to have to navigate a maze of crap just to get ready for the day, after all-, but as long as that wisdom and experience guides my steps, I'm sure I'll get to where I want to in life, even if it isn't in the way I expect. “Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it,” as some like to say, and I know my history has taught me well about what to do and what not to, such as showing kindness towards others regardless of who they are and what they've done and not to tell a women that they smell pretty from behind them. They won't always be easy to accept, but I know they'll help me on my way to being the person I want to be, and if they do that for me, then I more than welcome the trials those lessons come with.

Perhaps I can no longer go home again, but that only means I have the chance to take what I've learned and build myself a new one. 

Reaching Higher

When it comes to how we grow, one of the most important factors isn't what happens on the way, but how we react to it and let it shape us as people; this is especially true when it comes to hardships and other times which change our situation dramatically, with the the most obvious choice being whether we adapt to it or rise to the level where we make it adapt to us. For most of my life, I've chose the latter, learning to live without the internet and computer when circumstances took those away and learning to live without my bike when it was taken from me in the dead of night, never to return. I can safely say each of these decisions have made me a much stronger person in the end and gave me much of the tools vital to becoming a proper adult and assessing what's truly important in this world, but as much I enjoy what I've fortunate enough to receive from these choices, the time has come in my life where I want something more than just the ability to survive and make it to the next day on a shoestring.

I don't wanna just survive anymore, I wanna thrive and enjoy things to their utmost, restrictions be damned.

I realize this more each time I get chucked off my scooter by some random rock or bump in the road, each time an external circumstance deprives me of something I planned well in advance, but eludes me by the slimmest of margins, each time I fire up my trusty work comp and can't do everything possible to research and develop my creative works, because I can't afford the means to them yet, and each time it drips a little rage into my perception and makes me wonder what I can do to counteract this condition. How I can generate income and build myself up to the point where I can attain the freedom of choices I desire to expand my horizons and see things I never could before?

What can I do to make things suck that much less?

I know well it starts with altering my current habits and building better ones so I can move and improve as naturally as I breathe, a process sure to be full of much sweat, blood and tears given to make each a reality. That said, I also know the more I commit to these choices, the more they can work within me to lay a better foundation and build a better box for me to to think outside of, something I've admittedly lacked for a lot of my development until fairly recently. I used to fear this commitment and did what was needed to put it off, but after experiencing how much sticking to my studies has allowed me to grow and gain the perspective I have now, the fear has began to weaken and I've become more willing to give myself to the grind and humility needed to make connections, build up resources and overcome the internal obstacles which convince to stay where I am and live life in moderate discomfort.

As important as it is to be happy as you are and with where you are, so is it to recognize where you can improve and do what's needed to make them reality.

For me, this means making and printing resumes, turning up job offers and networking my backside off so that the one connection I may need can come to me in my greatest hour of need and show me what I've searching for. I've already taken the baby steps towards these goals, now it's time for the big, scary leaps to reach the other side. Without them, I'll never be reunited with my beloved bike, explore and develop the way I know I can with the needed resources and realize the future I've desired for myself all this time...at least not at the rate I would like to happen.*laughs* I mean, hell, if I got this far with what little I had back then, why can't I go even further? If anything, putting in the work and building myself up will help me better grasp that as pressing as my issues may seem now, they are nothing more than pebbles skipped across the pond, only to sink and become a part of the watery whole.

Just as retrospective lets us see that the things we thought were life and death in our younger days were really just little things viewed under the huge magnifying glass of our old perception. 

Breeding Better Habits

One of things we don't often give thought to is how our habits shape the things we choose, whether they breed success or failure. I, for example, have become quite a night owl, and anything involving involving early morning rising is something I need to steel myself into, however slow and painful the process may be. Even when I was earning a fairly regular paycheck, I felt like I lacked the needed back-spine to build proper habits and hone the whole of my being into something better than I can imagine it to be, but for years I could never put a finger to what. As close shaves came at me more often I did everything in my power to rise above it and ensure I wasn't on the losing side of the struggle once it was all said and done. No matter how early I had to rise or how much work I had to put it, I was going to make the cut.

Little did I realize that by priming myself merely to make the cut, I set up to eventually miss it by a country mile once my luck ran out.

Why is this the case? I recently heard someone say that their father instilled in them that if they were on time, they were already late, a sentiment that didn't make much sense until I looked back at all the times I busted my hump to get some place in time, with that effort sometimes resulting in less than desirable repercussions. I can still remember the time I forced myself to stay awake through the night in order to make an early morning meeting, which resulted in me quickly phasing in and out of sleep whenever my mind wasn't being stimulated, something that surely did not reflect well on me as a potential leader of the new breed.

Just as I screwed myself, however, I know I hold the power to change all that and make something positive out of what I can do.

If I so chose, I could be more well dressed, more well spoken and well on my way to turning in the needed paperwork to get done what I need to get done, but in order to do that, I first had to take the chaos in my thoughts and sort it out, so that all of my energy had a place to go and is put right to work for me, not against me. As I teach to others about learning Japanese, one cannot grow outside the box if they have no box to think outside of, and it's high time I started building my box, even if I do suck at it. Not everyone starts with top shelf skills at something, and if they let that hold them back from even giving the effort, they can never take that first step.

I am the same, and must throw caution to the wind so I can take more first steps when they matter most.

Had I not done so in my youth, I would surely be much less of the man I am today and much less able to give what I can to the world around me, whether it's insight into the culture and language of Japan, the finer points of English or any other wisdom my travels may give me. I have seen both the mountaintop and lowest valleys of where my choices can take me, and realize more with each passing day how far I can go if I just take the chance and risk failure or success. With seeking employ and figuring out ways to generate income, especially, is this vital for me to learn and let become part of my daily thought process.

No one became well off by waiting for the riches to come to them, even for trust fund babies and those with great inheritances in front of them.

I'm already making strides towards this end, and must continue on, because in the end, when it comes to whether I'm on time for something or not, I want to be able to arrive early and well prepared so I can relax, see this world with a clearer conception and help others reach a similar plateau, if not greater.

The World Beyond The Screen

Often, around New Years time, many become prisoners of the moment and make resolutions their will can't maintain, myself included. In fact, I didn't find the clarity to even make a resolution until I grew more secure in who I was and what I wanted, something my travels have given to me, little by little. This year, with everything I've gone through and all the growing I've been blessed with, I'm certain I've find one I'll commit to long after the moment is over and the normal world stares me in the face.

If there's anything crucial I've discovered as I explored the world around me, it's that despite how easy technology has made it to keep in touch with others, the ability to convey our thoughts to the people we meet everyday is still vital to becoming more connected to our world and creating the desire to contribute positivity however we choose to do it. The fact that my in person skills still need much sharpening has shown me the resolution I want to keep with me as a new year begins and I grow older and more aware of what I want to leave behind: to refine my handling of small talk and become more deft at face-to-face communication.

As it is for many out there, there've been people who've made my life suck, sometimes to the point of emotional breakdown (e.g a fetus-position-on-the-floor, make-it-stop kind of breakdown), and in those times, I wanted nothing more than remove myself from them and never see their face again. Technology has made it easier than ever to do just that and tune out the people who would bring us to this point of mental stress, but the truth is that no amount of advancement will completely eliminate that from our lives; in fact, because we've tuned it out so often, many have grown less able to deal with the daily stress of the day, which means it has much more power to shake us down to our foundation when it starts to pile on.

When I started to interact with the world outside my computer screen, it was like relearning how to talk, more so because I had much less time to mull over my response to someone separated by 3 feet of air, compared to a few miles of fiber-optics. As I see things like smartphones, video conferencing and social networking become more common place, I can notice this effect growing more and more prevalent as people isolate themselves from the world of purely physical interaction, finding more of their voice, sense of friendship and power coming from using technology to communicate.

As a writer, it fascinates me to witness the very way we connect to other change so dramatically, but it concerns me how people are losing touch with the base skills we use to forge relationships and become connected with those we care for. Even before my hands touched a keyboard, I knew that communication is only complete when we can see the person in front of us, their every tendency, tick and odor there for us to take in and analyze as needed. Phones, chatting and so on were only meant to be supplements to face-to-face interaction, but the greater dependency on these things to keep us in touch as our lives grow 'busier' is making them the main method and face-to-face, the supplement.

In time, the abilities to read someone's body movements, separate genuine criticism from harmful language, keep things in perspective and build our self esteem through contributing to the world around us falls and falls fast, as it did for me when I made the net my main method. As contradictory as it may be to use a blog to say this, people have to balance themselves out and make the world beyond the screen a bigger part of their day to day routine; the more we do that, the more we can appreciate what technology does for us and use it to its maximum potential.

I certainly won't say the process is easy, but all the experiences and knowledge my time away from the net gave me have let me know it's a worth while effort. Awkward communication is better than no communication at all, isn't it? Beats going through life with the desires of your heart falling silent, leaving you to wonder 'what if?' as you think about all you could've done, had it been given a voice

The Unforgiving Minute

Recently, in one of my lazy days roaming the net, I came upon this question: Why are adults so lonely when they're so social as kids? This became far pertinent given that all the new tech meant to help us keep in touch isn't doing much to help the cause, even as it becomes more integrated into our daily life.

This isn't to say it's a whole new problem each of us struggle to grasp; I mean I was an awkward loner way before my first time on the net, and the only thing it did was connect me to other awkward loners. It certainly has done much to change the way people define a friend, a lover and a relationship, but really, the thing it made easier for people to do was the same thing they did when they grew up and got into their established 9 to 5's: keep perceived threats from laying a finger on the us that lies behind the mask made of carefully construed words, stories and grooming.

Even before color and sound, people knew the power of lighting, make up and training to transform a plain Jane into the next big image for people to adore, revere and throw their money at, like a Jane Fonda, Clark Gable or Beyonce. With the phone, folks had to work hard, if they wanted to keep the content of their words and the tone of their voice from revealing the hidden truth, the computer making that process even easier, since it's a lot tougher to read too deep into words on a screen without your mind leading you down twisty roads and dead ends. Naturally, this breeds questions like 'Why would people want to hide who they really are?' in the back of the mind, those thoughts growing stronger when a deception is uncovered and the desire to avoid the hurt increases.

Before, people simply learned to suck it up and hide their intent behind small, vaguely worded statements-or what my Damage Estimation teacher calls 'weasel words'; nowadays, the relative space and anonymity the net allows leads people to unleash how they feel in the heat of the moment without fear of repercussions, since few are knowledgeable enough to trace the origin of someone's statement (which is very possible, as is them using that info to impersonate you and get stuff from the people you've worked with). That, paired with cultural considerations reinforcing the behavior-like the lone maverick mindset valued in the States and the distaste for flow disruption linked to Japan-make it highly desirable to tune out the outside world and condense the nonsense. This keeps folks from getting too close and having a clean look at the real us, whether they want to help or hurt it.

To ensure people never have the time to get close, we do different things to look busy and show them we can't engage them in a meaningful way (See the guy who answers a call when someone says “Hi, how are you doing?' to them). All the while this creates the 'I don't wanna be alone, but I don't wanna risk being hurt again' cycle within us, which takes us on a long, winding road to the same spot we were at when we took our first step. Ultimately, we need to be a friend in order to find any, and that means opening ourselves to the chance of getting hurt and taking on what I call the unforgiving minute-or however long the moment of action lasts. For those who've dipped into the poet's realm, they'll know the phrase from Rudyard Kipling's If, and for me, the line that comes from is best viewed like so.

“If you can fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds of speaking without pretense,
Yours is the Earth and all that's in it”

In this case, the unforgiving minute is when we get to know someone in order to better understand them, a moment which easily veers towards false personae being brought out to leave a positive impression and maintain it, should we ever meet them again. It is a scary thing to chance that kind of hurt with anyone, but is the alternative of never connecting to those we speak with worth avoiding all the potential hurt? For those who bear deep emotional scars, the answer is often an emphatic yes, but having walked that path for many years-on top of feeling its ups and downs-I'd like to pose this question: is avoiding the unforgiving minute worth abandoning the chance to know life's riches? For me, the answer has been and is sure to stay: What're you, nuts? No! Life's too short for that crap

My question to you: how would you fill The Unforgiving Minute?

Cruising on the River

When I hear stories of people who own their own car and live in their own home before they even turn 20, I feel as if I should be moving much more rapidly with my growth than I am-especially when I still don't have those things at the age of 24. That said, I always try to keep in mind that life and all it's wonders only happens once and many of the experiences we wish to forgo in order to become something more are experiences we can't really get back. Think about all the pros who skipped their last years of college play to enter their sport's top ranks and the experiences they gave up and can never have again, left only to wonder what if as they deal with the cold, critical and contract-litigating world of being a pro; would you give up the money in those first pro years just to go back and live those last days of college and discovering who you really are?

It wasn't long after I graduated high school that I started to think about all the dances I skipped out, all the school functions I never went to because I thought them foolish, the graduation ceremony I skipped out on because I didn't think it worth my time. Those continue to haunt me and remind me to appreciate where I am in my stage of adulthood, which is surely part of why I've been going so slow in becoming a proper man.

Despite that, the years have let me see that my decision was the correct one, as the experiences my path has allowed me let me become a far better person than if I jumped head first into the world of college and the reality that waits beyond it (to be perfectly honest, I sucked pretty hardcore in high school and I if I went to college straight away, I know I would've stuck in that mindset for a long time). The clubs I've been apart of let me see how important it is to be connected in both the on and offline worlds, and my personal development has shown me how much I need to be the change I wish to see, especially in the professional capacity, or in other words, building the box I need to think outside of.

As I face the world of student loans and other forms of debt I'll spend my life repaying, I feel much more ready to jump into it and take it on than ever before, a thing I never would've conceived when I set foot outside Bellflower High School as a student for the last time. I'm grateful for all that's happened to me, for all of it has given me the tools and the mindset I need to be a proper man for both myself, those close to me and the generation that will come after I pass on.

Don't get the wrong idea, I definitely should've had a job, car and all that by now, but a crucial aspect of who I want to be is living with minimal regret, the way beloved did when she went drifting on those mountain roads. I can safely that I'm doing just that and know that if my time were to come right now, I would be happy with who I've become and what I've left behind. Should I be fortunate enough to live a number of years beyond this writing, I seek to keep building on this and enjoy my life as it is while I continue to build towards the lofty vision held in my mind's eye-which includes making $2K a week on average at whatever I do.

It's interesting to live a time like this, when the world seems to be on the edge of change and the standards of living are shifting as rapidly and unpredictably as the tides-especially concerning how the gov't lends a hand to those it governs-and illustrates what having clear eyes can do for navigating unclear times. I wonder how those who rushed into the world of adults feels about their decision and dealing with things that even well off people barely manage in their 30s and 40s.

Though I know I'll face many of the same troubles, I feel as if my time has laid a solid foundation for the path I must travel to reach my goals and given me the passion and memories I need to make my way through the hardships and toil I must confront. I certainly won't be thinking too hard about what could've been, had I just held off a bit and built myself up before entering the next phase of my life. 

Weening Myself Off the Safety Net

Recently, I've had 3 instances that caused to question how reliant I was on external circumstances to guide me where I want to go. The 1^st came when I used my phone to help me find an out of the way PC repair place, only to find that it lead to a spot blocks before the actual location, which lead to a ½ hour of searching to determine where it was. The 2^nd was heading to take the last bus home, but finding that the service's website said there were no more coming; after a few minutes of the bus not coming at the appropriate time, I was getting ready to ride my scooter 4 miles home when it finally came in. The 3^rd came during a chat with one of my classmates, where I learned that at the age of 18, he left home with only his bike and a bag of clothes and built himself up to point where he, with a help of some roommates, got a  job, a car & a decent sized house they collectively pay $2K on a month by the age of 20.

Aside from feeling like I was going a bit too slow, I began to examine how much I put it on things I couldn't really control to get what I wanted, especially over the course of my life when I felt limited in how I could rise up in the world. It was thanks to some friends that I got to experience life changing events, events that I would've surely given up on if they didn't talk me into it. For example, if my artist friend didn't convince me to give Americorps a try, I would've convinced myself I wasn't cut out to be a tutor at that level(and before that, I almost did).

On the romantic side of life, I've always prided myself on taking risks and doing things I never would've done otherwise, like riding 8 miles over a hill, inches away from traffic and through narrow, craggy sidewalks to reach the murky green waters of Long Beach. On the practical side, however, I always thought I didn't have the right stuff to do whatever job was at hand and couldn't summon the courage to even try in most cases.

I know it's because of this my life isn't as rich and fulfilling as it could be (which is saying a lot, considering how much life I've lived and how much I gained over the years), and that if I could overcome it, so much was waiting out here for me. As I see it, a big step towards that is doing what my classmate did at the age of 18 and move forward regardless of if I have the means then and there to lead the kind of life I desire.

Personally, I hate to fail at anything, and this goes double for when it involves people relying on me to get things done, so I'm always weary of anything that sends me into situations far beyond what I  thought I could do-as I've done so before and fell just short of getting it finished.  Perhaps when I accept failure as another part of life, I'll be able to deal with it quickly and let it strengthen me for the road ahead, so I may help others do the same.

Learning to Rise by Letting Myself Fall

When life gets hard and the people around you only seem to make it harder, it's easy to let hatred seep in and steer you towards negativity-I should know, I've let it happen on multiple occasions, including when I couldn't do class work for a month because I waited for my sister to get the computer screen she promised me, which she never did. I can't even count how many times people have let me down by making a promise, then forgetting about it, nor have I forgot how much it pissed me off, but in all honesty, for all the stuff I can make happen on my own, I really should be mad at myself-and I am. For years I blamed the crap I went through on other or people and felt like life was out of my control, specifically when it went to crap, like when I rolled my ankle and was never taken to the hospital, instead dipping it in ice water and hoping it healed properly.

The bitterness from all that colored my perception in drastic ways and made me hesitant to ever fully take on the great unknown. I didn't think my heart could take that kind crushing disappointment and failure, so I never let myself be open to that even  being a possibility. However, as I work towards being a proper adult, I'm finding that to grow greatly, one must accept falling well short as one of many things there to help them grow how they wish. More and more I'm seeing that when I let this become part of my life, I'll unearth the thing I've been on the edge of for a long, long time.

I say edge because I've been a lazy, structureless slacker for quite some time, getting an intense amount of knowledge and growth in short bursts, and never with the will and stubbornness needed to set up and stick to a certain schedule. Despite all that, I've become knowledgeable in a bunch of different fields, the years bringing my focus to writing, English and the Japanese language. When I began teaching the language, I was how I imagine many beginning students are: an insufferable prick.

As I learned more about the language and the culture that powers it, I discovered that not only did it give me a place to direct my energy, but it, along with writing, became my savior-the thing that lifted me up when I fell deep into the emotional darkness. Because of that, I worked to use my skills to help others gain the knowledge I struggled and scratched for all these years in as relate-able a way as I can manage.

Now, I’ve reached the point where in order to take the next big step, I'll need to find the guts to form a routine and stick to it so I can learn to evolve from it, the box from which to think out of, so to speak. Will I become a another brick in the wall? At this point, with all the crap I've managed to get over, I'd just be happy living a fairly regular life that fulfills me where I need to be, with any success I hit on as result being a nice bonus. If I fail, so what? As long as I'm still kicking, I still have a chance to make something positive and leave something wonderful behind when my time comes.

Really, that's been at the heart of a lot of stuff I do, even something as small as giving someone a quarter so they can pay their bus fare. Yes, there's a ton of messed up stuff going on under our noses each day, but I don't like just moaning and groaning about it, I want to see some solutions, however flawed they may be. This is the standard I've held both myself and others to over the years, 'cause to me, there's plenty of hot air going around and not enough stuff to put that air to work, which I want to correct however possible.

Even now, where I've become significantly saltier about how the world works, I've never believed in solely spreading around negativity and sought to live a life of balance, both emotionally and financially. If one only lets themselves see what goes wrong, they can never see what goes right, a way of life I wish no one would willingly subject themselves to.