The Unforgiving Minute

Recently, in one of my lazy days roaming the net, I came upon this question: Why are adults so lonely when they're so social as kids? This became far pertinent given that all the new tech meant to help us keep in touch isn't doing much to help the cause, even as it becomes more integrated into our daily life.

This isn't to say it's a whole new problem each of us struggle to grasp; I mean I was an awkward loner way before my first time on the net, and the only thing it did was connect me to other awkward loners. It certainly has done much to change the way people define a friend, a lover and a relationship, but really, the thing it made easier for people to do was the same thing they did when they grew up and got into their established 9 to 5's: keep perceived threats from laying a finger on the us that lies behind the mask made of carefully construed words, stories and grooming.

Even before color and sound, people knew the power of lighting, make up and training to transform a plain Jane into the next big image for people to adore, revere and throw their money at, like a Jane Fonda, Clark Gable or Beyonce. With the phone, folks had to work hard, if they wanted to keep the content of their words and the tone of their voice from revealing the hidden truth, the computer making that process even easier, since it's a lot tougher to read too deep into words on a screen without your mind leading you down twisty roads and dead ends. Naturally, this breeds questions like 'Why would people want to hide who they really are?' in the back of the mind, those thoughts growing stronger when a deception is uncovered and the desire to avoid the hurt increases.

Before, people simply learned to suck it up and hide their intent behind small, vaguely worded statements-or what my Damage Estimation teacher calls 'weasel words'; nowadays, the relative space and anonymity the net allows leads people to unleash how they feel in the heat of the moment without fear of repercussions, since few are knowledgeable enough to trace the origin of someone's statement (which is very possible, as is them using that info to impersonate you and get stuff from the people you've worked with). That, paired with cultural considerations reinforcing the behavior-like the lone maverick mindset valued in the States and the distaste for flow disruption linked to Japan-make it highly desirable to tune out the outside world and condense the nonsense. This keeps folks from getting too close and having a clean look at the real us, whether they want to help or hurt it.

To ensure people never have the time to get close, we do different things to look busy and show them we can't engage them in a meaningful way (See the guy who answers a call when someone says “Hi, how are you doing?' to them). All the while this creates the 'I don't wanna be alone, but I don't wanna risk being hurt again' cycle within us, which takes us on a long, winding road to the same spot we were at when we took our first step. Ultimately, we need to be a friend in order to find any, and that means opening ourselves to the chance of getting hurt and taking on what I call the unforgiving minute-or however long the moment of action lasts. For those who've dipped into the poet's realm, they'll know the phrase from Rudyard Kipling's If, and for me, the line that comes from is best viewed like so.

“If you can fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds of speaking without pretense,
Yours is the Earth and all that's in it”

In this case, the unforgiving minute is when we get to know someone in order to better understand them, a moment which easily veers towards false personae being brought out to leave a positive impression and maintain it, should we ever meet them again. It is a scary thing to chance that kind of hurt with anyone, but is the alternative of never connecting to those we speak with worth avoiding all the potential hurt? For those who bear deep emotional scars, the answer is often an emphatic yes, but having walked that path for many years-on top of feeling its ups and downs-I'd like to pose this question: is avoiding the unforgiving minute worth abandoning the chance to know life's riches? For me, the answer has been and is sure to stay: What're you, nuts? No! Life's too short for that crap

My question to you: how would you fill The Unforgiving Minute?

Aftermath

One of the great inevitabilities in life is that no matter how much patience and wisdom you’ve gained over the years, there will be a time when your kettle reaches maximum pressure, and the steam will have nowhere to go but out. After the fact comes the aftermath of what we must do to better ourselves, for both us and those close to us. No matter how many worthless things we pummel or shatter to release the pressure, the core issue will still remain, and will still eat away at us until substantial action is taken. These raw, uncontrollable feelings can and will lead us places we’ve never even conceived going, and it’s on us to find a way that will lead us back to where we wish to go. If a way isn’t available, we must look within ourselves to hone our talents, skills and emotions to create one, with whatever materials are at hand. These lessons are what I’ve unearthed throughout the years, and to this day I’m discovering how deep they run, and how potent they are in cutting through the muck to locate the truth of who we are.




One fact life often teaches us is under pressure, all of us are mere children who must be receptive to any form of function capable of resolving our issues. I am no different, and many times have I been put in situations where I became utterly lost, with only the knowledge honed in my research, interactions and explorations to guide me. In such tight spots, fear and confusion are the naturally emergent emotions, pushing all our logic and experiences aside and pointing us to mere instinct as a base for our decision. To push any of these aside in favor of another is like trying to peddle a tricycle that’s missing a wheel: if it does go anywhere, it won’t be doing it very well or for very long. As our mind works with our body to maintain a constant, fluid motion, all aspects of our being must work in harmony with each other to either find or make the path we desire to lead us to our destination, wherever that may be. It is that which enables us to rise from our falls, learn from our falls and become better people so such things rarely repeat.



We can never undo what’s already been done, and anyone who says otherwise is preying on your emotions to push their wares on you. That said, we are given the means to try and make amends for what has come to pass, even if that process is slower and more of an ordeal than we expected it to be. If you still have breath in your body, you have what it takes to shift yourself to the place you want to be, and only when you allow it, can that cease to be. For this to become our reality we must hone it not just from some dime a dozen self help book or from people who haven’t even walked a half a step in our shoes, but from within ourselves. See the child working to make things right, be the child working to make things right.

Bit by Bit

Who do we want to be? What is our reason for doing what we do? Where, exactly, is our ideal place? These are questions I believe to be vital in the development of human beings on their way to developing themselves and shaping the kind of world they want to live in, as well as live the kind of life they feel would be worth recording. More often than not, these are questions that remain unspoken in our desire to attain all we need to live the way we desire, whether it's clothing, jewelery or other such things. Once all of that is stripped away, the core of who we are is all that remains, raising the question of what, exactly, is residing in that core. 


Time and again, have I seen the kinds of hollow existences it has created in those around me, friend and foe alike. It has inspired me to continue looking inwards for the answers I sought. If there's anything I've gained in my journeys, it's that whatever those answers may be, they never stay solid like concrete, but rather shapeless like water, taking whatever shape is needed to contain what we need to see.Those unwilling to relinquish what binds them will begin discovering how little they know of where to go on to next, much like the man who tries to take water with only his hands, only to find it slipping through his fingers. Only when we're willing to relinquish the life we know now can the life we deeply desire be made clearer and more detailed, coming closer and closer to our grasp. 


The life beyond being able to eat, sleep and sustain existence is a foggy, frightening place for anyone to even think about, much less step into and seriously explore. It is this life, however, that makes us complete human beings and enables us to push forward during the hardest times, knowing we have an aim we must achieve, lest we disappoint ourselves. Often times it takes something drastic to shake out of our comfort coma and see ourselves for who are, and what the next step must be, but it is this experience that can shape the very course of our lives for something even the mind's eye cannot envision. Fears not the questions, nor the answers they summon, for they help to chip away at the slab of our lives and shape something of great majesty and beauty. Once we give ourselves these tools, we are freed to sculpt ourselves into whatever fashion best fulfills us and how we choose to live.