Blind Date

This is a short I wrote way back when, around the time I entered a dark place in my love, in terms of romantic involvement. Since I felt the message I wanted to send in those days got lost due to my own emotional quagmire and distinctly stilted views on women seeking men in those days, I took the editing knife to it to let the emotional impact better shine forth. This actually came to be one of those emotionally charged editing sessions where I had to face some of the darkness I thought I left behind for good, and in the end, I was better for facing up to it. I would hope this reflects in the final product, and is something you can appreciate. Without further delay, here is a moment in time from the life of people seeking love and somebody real

One Last Push

There are few feelings more infurating than giving it all you have and still falling short of your goals, a feeling I've stared square in the face more tha once.  It never gets any easier to deal with the inferiority and dejection failure brings, no matter hard much you learn or how much you grow. You're left with no other choice, but to stand before all the things that've dragged you to this point and either let them pass or let them ruin you. Each encounter has taken me to the razor edge of my limits, and each time I've taken a vital piece of wisdom with me into my daily life. That wisdom gave me the strength to keep moving and push myself past my own threshold.

Have you ever heard someone say "You're pretty good, but you still need a little somethin', somethin'"? That little somethin' somethin' has been an ideal sought after for millenia, and to achieve this, each of the multitude who've pursued this have had to face aspects of themselves they've suppressed all their lives. For me this meant owning up to my habits and the fact that they aren't the kind that'll make my dreams reality. My lackadasical methodology has shown me many of life's wonders over the years, but the time when even my most hardcore preparations left me missing the mark by miles are forever seared onto my consciousness, reminders of my failure and my fuel to take me higher. It is the joy of victory and agony of defeat that paints our mental images, and these emotions are what spur me to examine and re-examine myself so I can discover where I need to make one last push towards my goals.

When we reach the peak of one mountain, a higher one always awaits in the distance, daring us to scale it, and it's in this endless cycle that personal growth is enabled from womb to tomb. In some cases the process goes on long after that, when things they create get invovled, such as skateboarding and the guitar. It can grow tiring after a while, but no other way of life can hold a candle to what I chose. I love who I am and what I've become, and know much more is waiting for me for see and uncover. Whatever it may end up being, there's no doubt the journey to it will give me the tools I need to forge my own truth and craft something that serves others long after my time comes.

Loss and Appreciation

One of life’s greatest ironies is that we can never completely realize the value something or someone has until it’s taken from us, only to be observed from a distance. This is something never lost on me, having lost everything from treasured media to loved ones over the course of my life, as well as witnessing others lose those precious things. Through my losses I’ve come to see it’s not the things themselves that build the value we link to it, but the experiences we build with them, the experiences that stay with us in times of prosperity and poverty. These are the things which guide us in our decisions and help us realize what truly has meaning in a world throwing everything at us at once, the same things I’ve come to appreciate the more I grow into my skin. With these experiences, our daily interactions become that much richer and rewarding, letting us see just how much more is there for us, if we build upon our past and let it lay a path to our future.

A Seat at the Dinner Table

It’s said one of the most rapidly fading traditions from the Nuclear Family days of America is the act of sitting around the family table and collectively enjoying a meal, shooting the breeze about their day. It’s in these moments the fabric of the family is laid bare, as well as how each person regards themselves within the family unit, and in turn within society. With my own family, I can remember few times we’ve ever sat down together for such a thing, and none of those times have I ever felt I belonged, causing me to reevaluate what it means to be part of something, as well as the concept of unity. In any group I’m a part of, I am strongly against leaving anyone out of the equation or leading them to conclude they have no use, which is a large part of what continues to spur me on in my journey to be a better leader and team member. In my studies and experiences around these fields there are two key questions I feel build on what makes a team grow and prosper: what does each person ask of their team, and what do they ask of themselves?

As a matter of principle I set the bar high for both myself and those I choose to work with, leading to as much disappointment as amazement at the things accomplished, which is to say quite a lot. Though they’ve brought great things to me over the years, these standards have also weeded out many I’ve met in my life, including several very interesting people I’ve come upon, but didn’t bother to get contact info from due to differing mindsets. The question of just how easily I could give up my standards and let myself become more like the people I’ve grown apart from, drifting along life’s shores is a constant presence in my life, especially in times of crises when such a choice is right within my grasp. The desire to belong is a force with illogical influence over us, growing more so as global society becomes more connected, but even with that close enough to smell at some points, but even with all I’ve sacrificed to live up to my principles, it’s not possible for me to fathom letting them go. It would be utterly hypocritical for me to scrutinize the world I live in and those I work with so harshly for setting such base level standards that they still fail to live up to, and live as if having standards is worth as much as dirt.

I still have a ways to go to reach the kind of heights I wish to reach, but even if it keeps me away from a good chunk of humanity, the vast amount of improvement just reaching for it has given me hardens my commitment to this lifestyle. The few moments of ‘This is incredible’ I’ve gotten from those I work with have become worth much more than any amount of ‘Oh, that’s neat’ I might get if I ask anything less of them. This may create much struggle for me and those I work with, but I know that struggle will make us better and allow us to appreciate the time and effort we put into a project once it’s done. If anything, the journey having high standards creates is the thing sticking with us for much longer than the end product, especially when the process begins over again and we proceed enriched by our travels. Who knows, maybe someday I might to share some of my tales from the road around the dinner table with the people I grow close to, hopefully serving some tasty BBQ.

Stepping Back from the Brink

Regardless of any advancement mankind makes in raising the standard of living, one thing always present in day to day lives is stress, whether it’s emotional or situational. It’s a constant dance to ensure it doesn’t overtake us and influence our decisions, but even the best dancers slip up now and then, and that’s when the true test of a person’s grit begins. Do they rise up and push on, or let their issues drag them deeper into the dark spiral, eventually taking them down to the absolute end of everything they knew, more commonly known as throwing your life away as if it was line paper smudged with grease stains. I faced this decision more than a few times in my life, one involving a knife and another involving a bridge, and each time I couldn’t muster the mindset that ending my life would benefit those close to me somehow, and couldn’t do it. Because of that, I was able to contemplate just what kind of meaning my life had, and where I drew that worth from.

In my compulsory school days, I achieved much academically as well as underwent life changing incidents, yet even when I told them in plain English, nobody I knew seemed to notice, chipping away at where I saw myself within society. As time passed I looked to wherever I could to find some emotional validation, particularly the internet, and it was only when I was cut off from those sources did I face my reality and see the side of me I longed tried to escape. It took much inner soul searching and much deeper wounds inflicted by those close to me, but in time I came to see if no one else could or would make me feel I had meaning in this world, I had to give it to myself and make it myself. At times I still wonder what worth I have to the world and what I can do to better my station, but when a complete stranger tells me my 3 best traits are being knowledgeable, outgoing and confident, I’m reminded of how far I’ve come in improving how I take life on, as well as how much farther I have to go to rise higher. I know whenever I hold a straight edge razor in my hand the only prevalent thought is “I wonder if this can still cut out coupons cleanly?”

Those I’ve befriended over the years have done much to give me a shoulder to cry on and let me see my issues from a more objective perspective, and for that I’m grateful, but even back then I knew they couldn’t always be there when I needed them, and that I had to build my own strength if I expected to survive the kind of life I wish to lead. Seeing others with that same fire to find a way to make their desires reality, while occasionally leading me to those I hold philosophical agreements with, renews my own fire and reminds me of why I choose to live on and push ahead, regardless of what they come to pass.   Every day I ponder the meaning of weeding out the weak and the strong, and every day I’m reminded of what that means to me: that those who are strong will do whatever it needed to live a life full of worthwhile acts and words, and that those who are weak will freely let the world rob them of every chance available to them to excel, if it means they can live on autopilot and let the reins slip completely from their grip. I admit I still do a bit of whining about the disadvantages I currently face, but I know well how capable I am of creating the kinds of resources I need to climb up, as well as what it means to sacrifice comfort for something better in this world, something worth committing to paper. It’s with this realization I’m able to see what the next step in growth is:  assuming the risks my path entails and learn to ride life’s ebb and flow. 

Boys and Girls

A brief poem based on a section of the Feminist's Manifesto my English teacher had us reinterpet. If you lik it, drop me a line

Men basing their lives on defending the women

& women who base their lives on finding a good man

Embody the spirit of neither

Define yourself by who you are,

Not what you lack.

Be not what you lust after.

Do you latch onto their wallet,

Latch onto their organ,

Or choose to latch onto neither?

Both are locked in battle

Each holding the same key advantage and disadvantage:

Desire for one another

G.U.E.C.

This is a descriptive short I whipped up for my English class, and I have to say I'm quite proud of it. Down the line, I'm even considering making some logos and sketches to help better realize it. I did get a bit carried away during the writing process, though, so it runs a bit longer than many of my other works. If you wanna see the tale of a boy and his affront to scientific logic, take a look after the jump. As always, feel free to leave any thoughts you may have on it