Sometimes people do things so egregious against the people they care for, it shatters the foundation of everything their relationship was founded on. Most times, however, those things happen because of little things that go unnoticed until the right prompting causes it to come out in one big burst, things I like to call microabrasions. This is something I think of whenever I reflect upon a kinship I've had with a close friend of mine, and the microabrasions I've done to damage the bonds I've developed with her all these years.
She's been one of my greatest friends over this decade, and because of her patience and upfront approach, I've been able to see what I can do to become a better person and take steps towards achieving what I desire, however difficult they may be. Even with that, however, she's always felt a bit mysterious, like there's a lot to her I don't yet know. As I've matured, I've thought deeper on why this is, and part of me feels like for the times she's let me discuss my trouble with her, the same couldn't be said about her own with me. This is likely because each time I've spoken with her over the years, it's been routine for ask how she's doing, for her to say she's fine, and when she asks how I'm doing, to bring up events in my life, never showing any significant interest in hers, a habit I suspect isn't just limited to my time with her.
Often times, she tells me not to be so harsh with myself and others, to let go of that anger and move forward with my life, to bring positivity to those I meet, not negativity. She certainly isn't wrong about that, and part of my journey has been learning to channel these emotions into something that will push me forward towards where I want to go. Because of that, my professional relationships have been much more patient, considerate and nurturing than ever before, and now I want to bring that into my personal life. Perhaps a key part of that lies in embracing the imperfections in myself, others and the world, and learning to work with them as they are instead of trying to force them into what I think they should be.
It’s been a long road to get where I am now, and despite everything, she’s been there for me at my lowest lows, helping me realize what I can and how much further I can go if I’m willing to take a chance and see things beyond my zone of comfort. Perhaps this is why I took her for granted, and didn’t ever think she’d be upset with me enough to plain out not want to be my friend anymore. It’s been one of my greatest fears, and I dreaded even thinking about that day ever happening, so when that day finally came, it felt like a lightning bolt striking from clear blue skies. As sudden as such a strike, a decade of deep friendship, gone. Even now, I can’t comprehend just how real this all is, how big of a hole this has left in my heart. Time heals all wounds, yes, but how much time does someone need to heal from losing a friend that gave everything to helping me be better than I was?
It hurts me greatly that I was self-centered enough to push away someone who even now believes in what I can do, to hurt her so much that she would choose to end our friendship. Am I truly that much of a selfish monster? Do I care that little about the thoughts and feelings of others? Is this how I treat those I consider close to my heart? She told me that I mustn't be so harsh on myself, but knowing that I've made her suffer so much tortures me, more so know what she's been through and continues to go through. That, along with the notion she made that I still look to others for my happiness, greatly disturbs me.
I’ve spent years after I lost my beloved learning how to be happy and content, I’ve learned more than enough to know without a doubt that I don’t need anyone but myself to make me happy, no matter how hard that may be at times. Losing her as suddenly as I did, though, made me realize that I still have much to learn about not looking to others for my happiness and for what will make me whole, more so since seeing anything that reminds me of her brings back all the time I shared with her and reminds me that she’s gone for good. In all likelihood, this will probably be a wound that never heals completely, and will scar where the mark was left, a reminder of everything I lost and all that went into it. Like my beloved a decade ago, my greatest friend will leave with me lessons I will never forget, and wisdom that will guide my steps until I draw my final breath.
With this in mind, I would like to take this time to do three things. First, to say to my greatest friend thank you for being there for me during all my darkest moments, for being firm with me when I faltered, for helping me better realize how I could better myself, and what I must do to become a true adult. Secondly, to say that whatever path you travel in life, I wish you all the best and bid you the greatest of lives with your beloved and your own special set of friends willing to see you through your darkness. If our paths are never to cross again, I want you remember that no matter what, I will always want you to be your best, even that means it’s without me there along the way. Lastly, to the friends that still stand beside me, I pledge to be more attentive to your wants and needs, and to be as willing to listen to your issues as you are for mine if not more so. However difficult the journey may be to achieve it, I seek to be more forgiving, more considerate and a more healing, positive kind of person, doing what I can to show you that I want to help ease your burden, too. All of you mean the world to me, and now I want to show you all that I walk this talk, and will be the greatest friend to you that I can possibly be. Thank you all for everything you’ve done and will do. Thank you all, for allowing me the privilege of being your friend