Stepping Back from the Brink

Regardless of any advancement mankind makes in raising the standard of living, one thing always present in day to day lives is stress, whether it’s emotional or situational. It’s a constant dance to ensure it doesn’t overtake us and influence our decisions, but even the best dancers slip up now and then, and that’s when the true test of a person’s grit begins. Do they rise up and push on, or let their issues drag them deeper into the dark spiral, eventually taking them down to the absolute end of everything they knew, more commonly known as throwing your life away as if it was line paper smudged with grease stains. I faced this decision more than a few times in my life, one involving a knife and another involving a bridge, and each time I couldn’t muster the mindset that ending my life would benefit those close to me somehow, and couldn’t do it. Because of that, I was able to contemplate just what kind of meaning my life had, and where I drew that worth from.

In my compulsory school days, I achieved much academically as well as underwent life changing incidents, yet even when I told them in plain English, nobody I knew seemed to notice, chipping away at where I saw myself within society. As time passed I looked to wherever I could to find some emotional validation, particularly the internet, and it was only when I was cut off from those sources did I face my reality and see the side of me I longed tried to escape. It took much inner soul searching and much deeper wounds inflicted by those close to me, but in time I came to see if no one else could or would make me feel I had meaning in this world, I had to give it to myself and make it myself. At times I still wonder what worth I have to the world and what I can do to better my station, but when a complete stranger tells me my 3 best traits are being knowledgeable, outgoing and confident, I’m reminded of how far I’ve come in improving how I take life on, as well as how much farther I have to go to rise higher. I know whenever I hold a straight edge razor in my hand the only prevalent thought is “I wonder if this can still cut out coupons cleanly?”

Those I’ve befriended over the years have done much to give me a shoulder to cry on and let me see my issues from a more objective perspective, and for that I’m grateful, but even back then I knew they couldn’t always be there when I needed them, and that I had to build my own strength if I expected to survive the kind of life I wish to lead. Seeing others with that same fire to find a way to make their desires reality, while occasionally leading me to those I hold philosophical agreements with, renews my own fire and reminds me of why I choose to live on and push ahead, regardless of what they come to pass.   Every day I ponder the meaning of weeding out the weak and the strong, and every day I’m reminded of what that means to me: that those who are strong will do whatever it needed to live a life full of worthwhile acts and words, and that those who are weak will freely let the world rob them of every chance available to them to excel, if it means they can live on autopilot and let the reins slip completely from their grip. I admit I still do a bit of whining about the disadvantages I currently face, but I know well how capable I am of creating the kinds of resources I need to climb up, as well as what it means to sacrifice comfort for something better in this world, something worth committing to paper. It’s with this realization I’m able to see what the next step in growth is:  assuming the risks my path entails and learn to ride life’s ebb and flow. 

Boys and Girls

A brief poem based on a section of the Feminist's Manifesto my English teacher had us reinterpet. If you lik it, drop me a line

Men basing their lives on defending the women

& women who base their lives on finding a good man

Embody the spirit of neither

Define yourself by who you are,

Not what you lack.

Be not what you lust after.

Do you latch onto their wallet,

Latch onto their organ,

Or choose to latch onto neither?

Both are locked in battle

Each holding the same key advantage and disadvantage:

Desire for one another

G.U.E.C.

This is a descriptive short I whipped up for my English class, and I have to say I'm quite proud of it. Down the line, I'm even considering making some logos and sketches to help better realize it. I did get a bit carried away during the writing process, though, so it runs a bit longer than many of my other works. If you wanna see the tale of a boy and his affront to scientific logic, take a look after the jump. As always, feel free to leave any thoughts you may have on it

Open Ears

Often we grow up hearing others give us their advice on how things should be done, whether or not we need it at the time. Though laced with good intent, being spoken at in such a manner carves a divide between those involved, growing greater as it continues on. In time, the distance can grow enough to weaken and ultimately destroy any relationships involved, regardless of how many years they have between them. On the other side of the coin, years of damage can be swiftly repaired when this ends, and understanding begins. From my travels I’ve both witnessed and experienced the impact someone feels when they feel they are understood for who they are, not who the person perceives them to be.

I freely admit I’m guilty of going on at length about something with those I wish to help or hold a modicum of respect for. Despite that, I’ve given countless people my ear over the years, and the kinds of things I hear people reveal to me never cease to amaze. Likewise, whenever I speak of more personal things with someone I trust, I can always feel an amazing weight lifting from my shoulders, as well as gaining a greater insight into what my next step should be. Not only do these things fuel my desire to keep my ears (and subsequently my heart) open to others, but also seeing the kind of deep, long lasting hurt having heartfelt words fall on deaf ears can inflict on a person. I can think of nothing more disheartening and painful than the isolation of going unheard can bring, no matter the speaker’s intent.

One key thing I take away whenever I meet someone is the importance of open, honest communication. Of course there are always social norms and other things about the person to keep in mind, but in my view speaking with others without any agenda or unseen intent produces the kind of conversation that deepens the bond two people share and lets both parties know one matters to the other.  Whether it’s psychiatrist to patient or friend to friend, it’s this level of trust that dictates how each regards the other and how the relationship blossoms, something long forgotten yet utterly important in this age of instant connections.  One sentence rooted in allowing the other person’s view to be considered and dealt with on a level that dignifies them holds much more significance than a 2 hour speech full of helpful information, but treats the listener no better than we’d regard simpletons. Silver tongues can get you far and wide, especially now where it can be seen in global capacities, but even those hold the foundation that those being spoken to are granted that base level of respect, understanding and consideration. 

Aftermath

One of the great inevitabilities in life is that no matter how much patience and wisdom you’ve gained over the years, there will be a time when your kettle reaches maximum pressure, and the steam will have nowhere to go but out. After the fact comes the aftermath of what we must do to better ourselves, for both us and those close to us. No matter how many worthless things we pummel or shatter to release the pressure, the core issue will still remain, and will still eat away at us until substantial action is taken. These raw, uncontrollable feelings can and will lead us places we’ve never even conceived going, and it’s on us to find a way that will lead us back to where we wish to go. If a way isn’t available, we must look within ourselves to hone our talents, skills and emotions to create one, with whatever materials are at hand. These lessons are what I’ve unearthed throughout the years, and to this day I’m discovering how deep they run, and how potent they are in cutting through the muck to locate the truth of who we are.




One fact life often teaches us is under pressure, all of us are mere children who must be receptive to any form of function capable of resolving our issues. I am no different, and many times have I been put in situations where I became utterly lost, with only the knowledge honed in my research, interactions and explorations to guide me. In such tight spots, fear and confusion are the naturally emergent emotions, pushing all our logic and experiences aside and pointing us to mere instinct as a base for our decision. To push any of these aside in favor of another is like trying to peddle a tricycle that’s missing a wheel: if it does go anywhere, it won’t be doing it very well or for very long. As our mind works with our body to maintain a constant, fluid motion, all aspects of our being must work in harmony with each other to either find or make the path we desire to lead us to our destination, wherever that may be. It is that which enables us to rise from our falls, learn from our falls and become better people so such things rarely repeat.



We can never undo what’s already been done, and anyone who says otherwise is preying on your emotions to push their wares on you. That said, we are given the means to try and make amends for what has come to pass, even if that process is slower and more of an ordeal than we expected it to be. If you still have breath in your body, you have what it takes to shift yourself to the place you want to be, and only when you allow it, can that cease to be. For this to become our reality we must hone it not just from some dime a dozen self help book or from people who haven’t even walked a half a step in our shoes, but from within ourselves. See the child working to make things right, be the child working to make things right.

A Certain Age

After a certain age, one of the questions pivotal to our decisions is ‘What have I done with myself?’ This is something I’ve asked more of myself ever since I graduated high school and began my journey of discovering what it means to be an adult. In my travels I’ve witnessed a rainbow of ways one can define such a concept, many of them leading back to the idea that growing up means giving up everything composing your childhood and accepting the routine that comes with bearing your own weight, along with the weight of those who choose to walk beside you. I freely admit these sorts of things give me a bit of the shivers, but I’ve preparing myself for my journey and looking into what it takes to sustain oneself in the outside world of rent, taxes and bills. In my view, all these things are a mere hill of beans compared to the mountain that is personal freedom to see the world for yourself, with your own two hands.




Individuality v. group mentality has always played a part in how a country’s culture develops, as well as fuelling whether independence or family life is pushed as the ideal; this has also played a part in what paths I travel the older I get and the more important it is to become my ideal. While not fully satisfied with my current station, in the years after my graduation I’ve experienced many things removing the cape over life’s mysteries and witnessed firsthand what kind of commitment growing up entails. In that time I’ve come to know one fact very well: nothing is ever an ideal situation, and the only to turn one to your advantage is to make it so, with whatever is at hand. There are still many major issues for me to confront, on both a personal and professional level, but with everything I’ve learned in my brief time on this planet I’m doubtless I’ll come out on top after all is said and done. Though my ideal might end up being far from my ultimate reality, I will do all in my power to ensure that reality goes north of them, rather than south.



One of the most demoralizing things to do as a person is compare yourself to someone else, and because there will always be someone out there better than you, this will undoubtedly end badly. I have learned that the only bar all of us must surpass is the one we set for ourselves, and if we feel we’re not approaching it, we should identify and resolve what prevents us from this. Much more is still out there for me to achieve, and I will not relent in my pursuit of them until I draw my last breath, which, should my health and dietary habits improve, will be a time a few decades off. Home is where the heart is, and in time I will make that home one I can feel comfortable developing myself in, and perhaps entering the second stage of my life, when children and other affairs enter the picture. Of course, all that will come later, and the important thing is what I can do now, with what I have now, and those I hold close to my heart now.

Windfall

This is a short I wrote up around the holidays to keep myself in thought about the holiday spirit, and is also tied to a larger project I'm working on with an artist of mine. Read and enjoy, and if you like, drop me a comment.

The slender, ponytailed young waitress brisked through the busy diner, balancing a tray piled with her table’s order. Soon after reaching the customers she said, “Here you go, meals fit for royalty.” as she placed it in front of them. One of her customers, a woman with boyish brown hair and sun kissed skin, asked, “And what kind of royalty orders Bacon Cheeseburgers, Fries and Chocolate Shakes?”




“Why, the kind that knows how to live it up, of course!” A laugh was shared, and a young girl wearing fiery pigtails glanced at the waitress with her emerald eyes and said, “Thank you for the meal.” to her.



“And thank you for coming. Enjoy!”Just as swiftly, the waitress rushed towards the kitchen to continue her shift. The moment she left, the woman slapped her hands together and proclaimed “Alright, let’s dig in!” With a giggle, the girl pulled up the sleeves of her pink turtleneck. Grabbing the burger with a dual grip, she said, “Hope this doesn’t get too messy”



“But the mess is half the fun, Ms. Jones, especially with this kind of food.”



“I guess. I just don’t wanna do things the wrong way, you know, Chisa?” With a gulp, Chisa pointed a fry at her and told her, “If you can’t let yourself do something wrong, you’ll never let yourself do anything.” The girl nodded as she swallowed her bite. Taking a sip of her shake, she took a small, blank envelope from her jean’s pocket, Chisa’s hazel eyes immediately locking onto it. “I’m guessing that has something to do with what you wanna do right?”



“Yeah, it does.” Tapping it on the table, she let out a sigh and fixed her gaze at Chisa’s half-eaten burger, commenting, “Has anyone ever told you ‘you eat like a jackrabbit’?”



“Hmm, don’t remember hearing I eat like one. Also don’t get any funny ideas.”



“Too late.” She said with a smile, munching a French Fry. Chisa rubbed her temple, grunting in irritation before saying, “Anyways, you already heard what I had to say; it’s on you to decide where it goes.” The girl’s eyes contemplated the bulge of the envelope, recalling when she first got it that morning in the park.

***