Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Can You Go Home Again?

When I first heard the phrase “You can't go home again,” I was quite confused about what that meant, as I did not hear any of the context that phrase came from-and didn't until many years later; after doing some research, though, I discovered that it started to hit home in more ways than I ever considered possible. The more I became a proper adult, the more I grew distant from much of what I held dear as a youth, and that became crystal clear when I went for a trip to the place I once called home and browsed some of the lit I enjoyed back then. I can't quite put my finger on why, but as I worked through them, I found the themes of insecurity and worry about the perceptions held by others just didn't grab me like they used to, and in fact were quite off putting, perhaps because I could no longer connect to them and could only see the quality of the storytelling.

It really made me wonder how much farther I've got to go to become the man I know I can be.

I know I'll have a proper job, my own place and all that jazz and I know I can handle the responsibilities that comes with, but once that comes to be, then what? One of the things I've working on is becoming more social and able to hold short form, light chats with people I've met for the the first time-skills I, admittedly, am not that great at yet-, but from everything I've seen from my friends traveling the path towards adulthood, it seems like they have even less energy and time to be social and chatty. The time thing will come with proper scheduling skills and discipline, but the energy thing is something I'm quite worried about, especially since being as lazy as I have with the energy I have(among other bad habits) has caused me to gain 40+ pounds after I stopped playing Dance Dance Revolution seriously.

What can I do to manage my energy between my 9-to-5, my life outside work and my personal time?

The last thing I want to happen is to develop a wake up-breakfast-work-lunch-work-home-dinner-sleep  only mentality because I don't have the fuel to do anything else afterward. Yes, building a box is key to living regular and building towards something more fulfilling, but when you cannot or will not let yourself think outside that box after it's built, then stagnation is bound to take place and produce a sense of resentment at the very box you built, but need to maintain in order to maintain an acceptable level of discomfort. I've seen it happen time and again, and in most cases the person was never able to break it and do something with all they've built for themselves, leaving behind the feeling of what could've been, had they found the courage to go beyond their own bounds.

As much as I despise not knowing if I'll make it from one moment to the next, I despise not growing even more.

This is why I always keep mementos of times long past in my life, so I can remember where I've been and what I took away from them. Surely I'll have to shed a few when it comes time to build the flow of my own place-don't wanna have to have to navigate a maze of crap just to get ready for the day, after all-, but as long as that wisdom and experience guides my steps, I'm sure I'll get to where I want to in life, even if it isn't in the way I expect. “Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it,” as some like to say, and I know my history has taught me well about what to do and what not to, such as showing kindness towards others regardless of who they are and what they've done and not to tell a women that they smell pretty from behind them. They won't always be easy to accept, but I know they'll help me on my way to being the person I want to be, and if they do that for me, then I more than welcome the trials those lessons come with.

Perhaps I can no longer go home again, but that only means I have the chance to take what I've learned and build myself a new one. 

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