Wednesday, September 4, 2013

A Letter to the Person who Stole My Laptop

When you stole my laptop that night, you took the last bit of creature comfort I had left. I used that thing to work, create and play, with that gone, I lost everything I considered crucial to my way of life, including my music player, my desktop PC, my bike and my home. I was angrier than I've ever been in my life on that 4 mile walk home, but once the fire that anger filled me with settled down, I lost the will to go on. As I lay there on the grassy mound, I looked deep within myself and found what I needed to pick myself up, dust myself off and try again, no matter how many tries it takes. Yeah, things may suck now, but if I work at rising above it, they won't suck for long.

Now, my experiences and current perceptions tell me you're a certain kind of person with a certain reason for what you did, but I've learned enough about life to realize that's a stupid way to live, and severely limits how well one can grow. Never let it control me before, and damn sure won't let it happen now, considering how far I've come in my life. No race, gender, or people with other distinctions are ever a monolith, and to think a whole group alike for any reason is to be blind to their humanity. Even if they're thieves like you, they don't deserve that, and if we ever met, I would do everything possible to keep myself from punching you in the face and stomping a mud hole in your crotch, because I'd like to think I'm better than that(though not by much)

In reality, where I lived kinda sucked, as did my music player, PC and laptop, and I was planning to upgrade from them regardless, but not in the way circumstances dictated. Nothing's ever ideal, though, so it was only a matter of before I learned how to live on the fly, as everyone seems to these days. Even with a job and all that jazz, I doubt thing'll ever get that rosy, as I learned from doing a barebones budget for a full time, minimum wage job. Shoot, I might even have to work 2 jobs or take on an immense amount of debt from school, a car, a home, or whatever, but if it means a better future, I'll gladly take that burden on with a smile.

You see, there's something big I have to prove, and for years, I thought is was to friends, family and everyone who ever made my life suck, like you. I wanted them to hold me accountable and prod me into action when I slacked off, but really, the one who needed to do that wasn't was me. Everything I've done in reaction to events has either built me up or tore me down, and as I could've worked toward a better life then, I still can and will now, with everything I have. I owe it to myself to go after my wants and needs and to never relent when times get tough, because damnit, I've gotten through too much to let it end here. I know the kindness, wisdom and insight I have to offer the world, and I'll be damned if I let this or you stop me from doing it. I will survive and thrive, no matter what it takes. Count on it.

To do it, though, I gotta own up to this: the thing I need to prove is that I can take on the rejection and heartache that comes with gaining employ and becoming an adult, which hasn't been the case for years. For years, I've wanted to live on my own, but I didn't want to to risk the humiliation that failing at it brings. When I had work, I didn't have the stones to pursue that goal, because I knew the jobs weren't permanent, and that the money wouldn't last long enough for another job search. I didn't wanna lose everything because of a stupid decision, and now I'm losing everything because of several stupid decisions by me and other people. Funny how life works sometimes.

Often times, it likes to give the test before it imparts the lesson, and for 3 years life's given me the exact same exam: what will it take for you to hit back? Before, I had a safety net, of sorts, thinking I had at least something to turn to to get me through, no matter how bad things got; while it did just that, it also lulled me into a state of acceptable discomfort, and kept me there since I graduated high school. Piece by piece, though, that safety net was dismantled, and now is first time in my life I've hit the floor below, the scars to follow me until my dying day, telling others my story, and remind me how important it is to keep getting up and keep fighting.

I first learned that when the woman who taught me how to live had her life cut short by an auto accident. After she passed, I had to rebuild everything I gained from being with her, including my sense of adventure, and over 7 years of struggle and soul searching, I became someone she and I could be proud of, even with the missteps I've made during that journey. Now that I'm going through the practical version of what her passing brought, I'm feeling the same lack of direction that washed over me, but this time, there's a fire in me that I first saw in her, one that grows in strength each day and urges me into action. A friend of hers-who's now a friend of mine, told me that if I ever felt lost, I should ask, "What would she do?" What she would do is slap me in the face and tell me to do what you theft drives me to do now and long after I achieve my aims: fight 'til my last breath for what I desire. I don't know how I'm gonna do it, yet, but I will find a way and go further than ever before, because with them, myself and whatever's out there as my witness, this will be the beginning of something amazing.

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