Band of One

Writing is something I have a deeply rooted relationship, and whenever I see exceptional pieces, I want to share them with those around and give them they attention they deserve. This is how I feel about a short story a friend wrote for me a while back, and having finally found in in my personal archives, would like to give them a much wider audience. To get you up to speed, this is the primer which spurred its creation(the title of which is this post's):

When construction began on the grounds on an long forgotten peoples, a terrible presence had been awakened. Those who were trained in the ancient ways set out to put this new found foe back to rest, banding together to travel across their world and gather the needed components. As the crew felled each component's guardian they, too, were felled. Some by greed, while others sacrificed themselves to make their victories possible, including their leader and the one person she felt herself grow closer to. One long year later she stands at the door to the beast's lair, component on her person and sword and shield in hand. With the hopes of her comrades laid upon her she steps inside, ready to give anything and everything she has to restoring this world and the lives of those affected.

I should warn you that the contents are not for kids and have strong Lovecraft-ian influences, so if that sort of violence, blood and gore isn't your thing, turn back now.

Still here? Good. Here it is, in it's natural state. Enjoy!

When construction began on the grounds on an long forgotten peoples, a terrible presence had been awakened. Those who were trained in the ancient ways set out to put this new found foe back to rest, banding together to travel across their world to gather the needed components. As the crew felled each component's guardian they, too, were felled. Some by greed, while others sacrificed themselves to make their victories possible, including their leader and the one person she felt herself grow closer to. One long year later she stands at the door to the beast's lair, component on her person and sword and shield in hand. With the hopes of her comrades laid upon her she steps inside, ready to give anything and everything she has to restoring this world and the lives of those affected.

Breeding Better Habits

One of things we don't often give thought to is how our habits shape the things we choose, whether they breed success or failure. I, for example, have become quite a night owl, and anything involving involving early morning rising is something I need to steel myself into, however slow and painful the process may be. Even when I was earning a fairly regular paycheck, I felt like I lacked the needed back-spine to build proper habits and hone the whole of my being into something better than I can imagine it to be, but for years I could never put a finger to what. As close shaves came at me more often I did everything in my power to rise above it and ensure I wasn't on the losing side of the struggle once it was all said and done. No matter how early I had to rise or how much work I had to put it, I was going to make the cut.

Little did I realize that by priming myself merely to make the cut, I set up to eventually miss it by a country mile once my luck ran out.

Why is this the case? I recently heard someone say that their father instilled in them that if they were on time, they were already late, a sentiment that didn't make much sense until I looked back at all the times I busted my hump to get some place in time, with that effort sometimes resulting in less than desirable repercussions. I can still remember the time I forced myself to stay awake through the night in order to make an early morning meeting, which resulted in me quickly phasing in and out of sleep whenever my mind wasn't being stimulated, something that surely did not reflect well on me as a potential leader of the new breed.

Just as I screwed myself, however, I know I hold the power to change all that and make something positive out of what I can do.

If I so chose, I could be more well dressed, more well spoken and well on my way to turning in the needed paperwork to get done what I need to get done, but in order to do that, I first had to take the chaos in my thoughts and sort it out, so that all of my energy had a place to go and is put right to work for me, not against me. As I teach to others about learning Japanese, one cannot grow outside the box if they have no box to think outside of, and it's high time I started building my box, even if I do suck at it. Not everyone starts with top shelf skills at something, and if they let that hold them back from even giving the effort, they can never take that first step.

I am the same, and must throw caution to the wind so I can take more first steps when they matter most.

Had I not done so in my youth, I would surely be much less of the man I am today and much less able to give what I can to the world around me, whether it's insight into the culture and language of Japan, the finer points of English or any other wisdom my travels may give me. I have seen both the mountaintop and lowest valleys of where my choices can take me, and realize more with each passing day how far I can go if I just take the chance and risk failure or success. With seeking employ and figuring out ways to generate income, especially, is this vital for me to learn and let become part of my daily thought process.

No one became well off by waiting for the riches to come to them, even for trust fund babies and those with great inheritances in front of them.

I'm already making strides towards this end, and must continue on, because in the end, when it comes to whether I'm on time for something or not, I want to be able to arrive early and well prepared so I can relax, see this world with a clearer conception and help others reach a similar plateau, if not greater.

The World Beyond The Screen

Often, around New Years time, many become prisoners of the moment and make resolutions their will can't maintain, myself included. In fact, I didn't find the clarity to even make a resolution until I grew more secure in who I was and what I wanted, something my travels have given to me, little by little. This year, with everything I've gone through and all the growing I've been blessed with, I'm certain I've find one I'll commit to long after the moment is over and the normal world stares me in the face.

If there's anything crucial I've discovered as I explored the world around me, it's that despite how easy technology has made it to keep in touch with others, the ability to convey our thoughts to the people we meet everyday is still vital to becoming more connected to our world and creating the desire to contribute positivity however we choose to do it. The fact that my in person skills still need much sharpening has shown me the resolution I want to keep with me as a new year begins and I grow older and more aware of what I want to leave behind: to refine my handling of small talk and become more deft at face-to-face communication.

As it is for many out there, there've been people who've made my life suck, sometimes to the point of emotional breakdown (e.g a fetus-position-on-the-floor, make-it-stop kind of breakdown), and in those times, I wanted nothing more than remove myself from them and never see their face again. Technology has made it easier than ever to do just that and tune out the people who would bring us to this point of mental stress, but the truth is that no amount of advancement will completely eliminate that from our lives; in fact, because we've tuned it out so often, many have grown less able to deal with the daily stress of the day, which means it has much more power to shake us down to our foundation when it starts to pile on.

When I started to interact with the world outside my computer screen, it was like relearning how to talk, more so because I had much less time to mull over my response to someone separated by 3 feet of air, compared to a few miles of fiber-optics. As I see things like smartphones, video conferencing and social networking become more common place, I can notice this effect growing more and more prevalent as people isolate themselves from the world of purely physical interaction, finding more of their voice, sense of friendship and power coming from using technology to communicate.

As a writer, it fascinates me to witness the very way we connect to other change so dramatically, but it concerns me how people are losing touch with the base skills we use to forge relationships and become connected with those we care for. Even before my hands touched a keyboard, I knew that communication is only complete when we can see the person in front of us, their every tendency, tick and odor there for us to take in and analyze as needed. Phones, chatting and so on were only meant to be supplements to face-to-face interaction, but the greater dependency on these things to keep us in touch as our lives grow 'busier' is making them the main method and face-to-face, the supplement.

In time, the abilities to read someone's body movements, separate genuine criticism from harmful language, keep things in perspective and build our self esteem through contributing to the world around us falls and falls fast, as it did for me when I made the net my main method. As contradictory as it may be to use a blog to say this, people have to balance themselves out and make the world beyond the screen a bigger part of their day to day routine; the more we do that, the more we can appreciate what technology does for us and use it to its maximum potential.

I certainly won't say the process is easy, but all the experiences and knowledge my time away from the net gave me have let me know it's a worth while effort. Awkward communication is better than no communication at all, isn't it? Beats going through life with the desires of your heart falling silent, leaving you to wonder 'what if?' as you think about all you could've done, had it been given a voice

The Unforgiving Minute

Recently, in one of my lazy days roaming the net, I came upon this question: Why are adults so lonely when they're so social as kids? This became far pertinent given that all the new tech meant to help us keep in touch isn't doing much to help the cause, even as it becomes more integrated into our daily life.

This isn't to say it's a whole new problem each of us struggle to grasp; I mean I was an awkward loner way before my first time on the net, and the only thing it did was connect me to other awkward loners. It certainly has done much to change the way people define a friend, a lover and a relationship, but really, the thing it made easier for people to do was the same thing they did when they grew up and got into their established 9 to 5's: keep perceived threats from laying a finger on the us that lies behind the mask made of carefully construed words, stories and grooming.

Even before color and sound, people knew the power of lighting, make up and training to transform a plain Jane into the next big image for people to adore, revere and throw their money at, like a Jane Fonda, Clark Gable or Beyonce. With the phone, folks had to work hard, if they wanted to keep the content of their words and the tone of their voice from revealing the hidden truth, the computer making that process even easier, since it's a lot tougher to read too deep into words on a screen without your mind leading you down twisty roads and dead ends. Naturally, this breeds questions like 'Why would people want to hide who they really are?' in the back of the mind, those thoughts growing stronger when a deception is uncovered and the desire to avoid the hurt increases.

Before, people simply learned to suck it up and hide their intent behind small, vaguely worded statements-or what my Damage Estimation teacher calls 'weasel words'; nowadays, the relative space and anonymity the net allows leads people to unleash how they feel in the heat of the moment without fear of repercussions, since few are knowledgeable enough to trace the origin of someone's statement (which is very possible, as is them using that info to impersonate you and get stuff from the people you've worked with). That, paired with cultural considerations reinforcing the behavior-like the lone maverick mindset valued in the States and the distaste for flow disruption linked to Japan-make it highly desirable to tune out the outside world and condense the nonsense. This keeps folks from getting too close and having a clean look at the real us, whether they want to help or hurt it.

To ensure people never have the time to get close, we do different things to look busy and show them we can't engage them in a meaningful way (See the guy who answers a call when someone says “Hi, how are you doing?' to them). All the while this creates the 'I don't wanna be alone, but I don't wanna risk being hurt again' cycle within us, which takes us on a long, winding road to the same spot we were at when we took our first step. Ultimately, we need to be a friend in order to find any, and that means opening ourselves to the chance of getting hurt and taking on what I call the unforgiving minute-or however long the moment of action lasts. For those who've dipped into the poet's realm, they'll know the phrase from Rudyard Kipling's If, and for me, the line that comes from is best viewed like so.

“If you can fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds of speaking without pretense,
Yours is the Earth and all that's in it”

In this case, the unforgiving minute is when we get to know someone in order to better understand them, a moment which easily veers towards false personae being brought out to leave a positive impression and maintain it, should we ever meet them again. It is a scary thing to chance that kind of hurt with anyone, but is the alternative of never connecting to those we speak with worth avoiding all the potential hurt? For those who bear deep emotional scars, the answer is often an emphatic yes, but having walked that path for many years-on top of feeling its ups and downs-I'd like to pose this question: is avoiding the unforgiving minute worth abandoning the chance to know life's riches? For me, the answer has been and is sure to stay: What're you, nuts? No! Life's too short for that crap

My question to you: how would you fill The Unforgiving Minute?

Could It Have Been an Echo

I saw this recently and thought a lot about what the person behind the original poem was trying to say. After a bit of work and editing, I created my own translation. Here it is, along with the original poem in it's original language, for those curious


こだまでしょうか[Kodama deshou ka]
(Could It Have Been an Echo?)

「遊ぼう」っていうと ['Asobou' tte iu to]
「遊ぼう」っていう。['Asobou' tte iu]
 (If you say 'Let's play'
  I say 'Let's Play')

「ばか」っていうと ['Baka' tte iu to]
「ばか」っていう。['Baka' tte iu]
 (If you say 'You're dumb'
  I say 'You're Dumb')

「もう遊ばない」っていうと ['Mou asobanai' tte iu to]
「遊ばない」っていう。 ['Asobanai' tte iu]
 (If you say 'I'm not playing no more'
  I say 'I'm not playing')

そうして、あとで [Soushite, Ato de]
さみしくなって、 [Samishikunatte,]
 (And then, after that
  I get all lonely)

「ごめんね」っていうと ['Gomen ne' tte iu to]
「ごめんね」っていう。['Gomen ne' tte iu]
 (Then, if I say 'I'm sorry'
  you say 'I'm sorry')

こだまでしょうか、[Kodama deshou ka]
いいえ、だれでも。[Iie, daredemo]
 (Could it have been an echo?
  Nuh-uh, it was all of us)
-Misuzu Kaneko

*language note: 　さみしく[samishiku] is likely the author's intended mispronunciation of さびしい[sabishii], the word for being lonely

Cruising on the River

When I hear stories of people who own their own car and live in their own home before they even turn 20, I feel as if I should be moving much more rapidly with my growth than I am-especially when I still don't have those things at the age of 24. That said, I always try to keep in mind that life and all it's wonders only happens once and many of the experiences we wish to forgo in order to become something more are experiences we can't really get back. Think about all the pros who skipped their last years of college play to enter their sport's top ranks and the experiences they gave up and can never have again, left only to wonder what if as they deal with the cold, critical and contract-litigating world of being a pro; would you give up the money in those first pro years just to go back and live those last days of college and discovering who you really are?

It wasn't long after I graduated high school that I started to think about all the dances I skipped out, all the school functions I never went to because I thought them foolish, the graduation ceremony I skipped out on because I didn't think it worth my time. Those continue to haunt me and remind me to appreciate where I am in my stage of adulthood, which is surely part of why I've been going so slow in becoming a proper man.

Despite that, the years have let me see that my decision was the correct one, as the experiences my path has allowed me let me become a far better person than if I jumped head first into the world of college and the reality that waits beyond it (to be perfectly honest, I sucked pretty hardcore in high school and I if I went to college straight away, I know I would've stuck in that mindset for a long time). The clubs I've been apart of let me see how important it is to be connected in both the on and offline worlds, and my personal development has shown me how much I need to be the change I wish to see, especially in the professional capacity, or in other words, building the box I need to think outside of.

As I face the world of student loans and other forms of debt I'll spend my life repaying, I feel much more ready to jump into it and take it on than ever before, a thing I never would've conceived when I set foot outside Bellflower High School as a student for the last time. I'm grateful for all that's happened to me, for all of it has given me the tools and the mindset I need to be a proper man for both myself, those close to me and the generation that will come after I pass on.

Don't get the wrong idea, I definitely should've had a job, car and all that by now, but a crucial aspect of who I want to be is living with minimal regret, the way beloved did when she went drifting on those mountain roads. I can safely that I'm doing just that and know that if my time were to come right now, I would be happy with who I've become and what I've left behind. Should I be fortunate enough to live a number of years beyond this writing, I seek to keep building on this and enjoy my life as it is while I continue to build towards the lofty vision held in my mind's eye-which includes making $2K a week on average at whatever I do.

It's interesting to live a time like this, when the world seems to be on the edge of change and the standards of living are shifting as rapidly and unpredictably as the tides-especially concerning how the gov't lends a hand to those it governs-and illustrates what having clear eyes can do for navigating unclear times. I wonder how those who rushed into the world of adults feels about their decision and dealing with things that even well off people barely manage in their 30s and 40s.

Though I know I'll face many of the same troubles, I feel as if my time has laid a solid foundation for the path I must travel to reach my goals and given me the passion and memories I need to make my way through the hardships and toil I must confront. I certainly won't be thinking too hard about what could've been, had I just held off a bit and built myself up before entering the next phase of my life. 

Weening Myself Off the Safety Net

Recently, I've had 3 instances that caused to question how reliant I was on external circumstances to guide me where I want to go. The 1^st came when I used my phone to help me find an out of the way PC repair place, only to find that it lead to a spot blocks before the actual location, which lead to a ½ hour of searching to determine where it was. The 2^nd was heading to take the last bus home, but finding that the service's website said there were no more coming; after a few minutes of the bus not coming at the appropriate time, I was getting ready to ride my scooter 4 miles home when it finally came in. The 3^rd came during a chat with one of my classmates, where I learned that at the age of 18, he left home with only his bike and a bag of clothes and built himself up to point where he, with a help of some roommates, got a  job, a car & a decent sized house they collectively pay $2K on a month by the age of 20.

Aside from feeling like I was going a bit too slow, I began to examine how much I put it on things I couldn't really control to get what I wanted, especially over the course of my life when I felt limited in how I could rise up in the world. It was thanks to some friends that I got to experience life changing events, events that I would've surely given up on if they didn't talk me into it. For example, if my artist friend didn't convince me to give Americorps a try, I would've convinced myself I wasn't cut out to be a tutor at that level(and before that, I almost did).

On the romantic side of life, I've always prided myself on taking risks and doing things I never would've done otherwise, like riding 8 miles over a hill, inches away from traffic and through narrow, craggy sidewalks to reach the murky green waters of Long Beach. On the practical side, however, I always thought I didn't have the right stuff to do whatever job was at hand and couldn't summon the courage to even try in most cases.

I know it's because of this my life isn't as rich and fulfilling as it could be (which is saying a lot, considering how much life I've lived and how much I gained over the years), and that if I could overcome it, so much was waiting out here for me. As I see it, a big step towards that is doing what my classmate did at the age of 18 and move forward regardless of if I have the means then and there to lead the kind of life I desire.

Personally, I hate to fail at anything, and this goes double for when it involves people relying on me to get things done, so I'm always weary of anything that sends me into situations far beyond what I  thought I could do-as I've done so before and fell just short of getting it finished.  Perhaps when I accept failure as another part of life, I'll be able to deal with it quickly and let it strengthen me for the road ahead, so I may help others do the same.